Lost

I don’t know that I ever had it, but I’ve certainly lost it.  Whatever it was.   

Independence…out the window. 

Self-Worth…still hanging on by the tips of my fingernails.  

Drive…comes and goes.  

Dreams…a thing of the past.  

I hate this one, but ‘Hope’…running down the road faster than dreams.  

I am not sure how much more my life could have been turned upside down, all around, tossed in a blender and set to frappe… it couldn’t have been more eventful.      At all.  

Two years later and I am still in total and complete awe of what’s happened.  

I had always always told Trey that I had better go first, I can’t deal with being alone.   Being an ass he would always say nope.   He was gonna go first, just to force me to learn to be on my own.  It’s not something we often talked about.   We did when we found Mepkin, again after the shock of Mary Ann’s funeral.  And usually after funerals we would talk about it.  Always lovely conversations.   But, I guess at least we talked about it.  Lemme tall you, when it happens…you forget everything.  EVERYTHING. 

But, I never really imagined I’d be here.  I mean who does?  

On top of that recovering from a massive Pons hemorrhage.  I still sit here Almost daily trying to wrap my head around everything.   I’ve read, and watched all the stroke recovery books and videos I can.   Same with grief, and loss books and tapes.   Both dealing with things in TOTALLY different ways.  On one hand your supposed to be nothing but positive, upbeat, ready to take on the world.   On the other your grieving the sudden(and unforeseen) loss of your best friend and partner for 23 years.  

So part of me wants to be excited, ready to go.   Take on the world.   Improve, and do more and more.  Like when I was released from the hospital.   I was feeling VERY VERY high.  I felt like I had just taken on the world and won.   I felt unstoppable.   I remember hearing all the doctors saying I may never walk again, may never be the same person again…if I woke up(they only gave me like a 15% chance.  I remember Trey telling them no, Thomas will make it back.  I remember all of that.  So when I was released I was on top of the world…for three days, I was super excited.   Me, Me, Me.  I was so super tied up in my selfish self when I came home from the hospital…at least for the first week.   I was convinced Trey was in the hospital to get an IV, and all would be well.   I told everyone, oh treys dehydrated, everything is fine.  

I was dumb dumb dumb. 

I was not thinking clearly at all.   I was a holy mess.  I don’t know what happened but I went from stroke recovery to pure irl and absolute hell REAL fast.  

I was in mass denial.  Pissed off at everyone.   Mad about everything.  How could I have just sat around for three months and allow all this to happen?  Why had I forgotten everyone else and focused on Me after the stroke?  I never ever focus on myself.   I’m always trying to take care of everyone else.   WHY had I changed?

Why was this happening?  maybe I was supposed to go first, as I had always planned.   But then came back, so someone had to go…why had I come back in that case?  Why bring me back just to do all of this to me?   I was RIGHT there, right at the line.  Why let me fight back to take care of Trey to them just rip the entire world I knew out from under me?  

Why?

I took the absolute best care of Trey that I could.  For two years.   He didn’t really want anyone to know.   I feel like we did a fairly good job of that.  WHY take me away for the last three months of his life?   Why place that guilt on me for not being there when he needed it the most?  Why not just take me instead?  Why bring me back to experience all of this?  

Some days I’m totally paralyzed.   I just can’t move, or function, stuck in my head trying to figure out WHY.  It’s probably something I will never figure out…but it’s also something I’ll always think about.  Some days more than others. 

I try not to overthink, but that never works.  I am thankful for Benton, he understands, and tries to keep me from spinning out of control (I think trey had prepped him for how to deal with me)but he is always willing to talk about everything.    We talk about trey all the time, and everytime I’m ready to go up to the abbey he is always ready to go.  He lets me have my feelings, he understands(or pretends too)

Okay I’ve sat in the house with my feelings for two days.   I need to get out.   

…time to cut some grass, oh the excitement