Sweet Fancy Moses walking a dog…

I applied for a guide dog back in November, yesterday I had my first home visit.  

Let me tell you…I was not prepared for that emotional roller coaster. 

I had talked to people that have been through the training / know how it goes…so I knew what to expect.   I spent WAY too much time cleaning house, but it gave me something to do…so I did it.  I can’t express the crazy amount of nerves, excitement, stress, and amount of overthinking  that has gone into this meeting.    Classic Thomas, I made a mountain out of a molehill.  Just WAY overthinking it.  

So yesterday was the day.  Everything was great, lots of questions on her part, and mine.   A lot of things I didn’t know, or hadn’t thought about.  It’s just amazing how thorough everything is, and how detailed they are.  It’s really comforting knowing how much thought goes into matching dogs with the right people.   Everything was going pretty good.   I felt very comfortable.   

Then it was time to walk.   NERVES, and STRESS to the front of the line, you are requested now!!!  This was the part I was so nervous about.   I’ve worked with my orientation & mobility coach for awhile now, I’m very comfortable using my cane, and getting around.   But then the overthinking starts in…what if Samantha has let me slip, or what if they are a lot more critical than she is?    Oh lord, I’m going to look like an idiot.  Maybe I should cancel, need more practice, and try again later.   I tried to talk myself out of it so, so many times.  So when she said okay, let’s go walking.   My first thought was HOLY MERCY Here we go.    

First I just had to walk…very basic.   Then she had the camera, and GPS out to film me walking, and record my pace.  Being video taped…not my favorite thing.  But, it was okay.   Next, the Juno walk(a simulated guide dog walk) holding the actual harness, and being led around by a trainer…again to record your pace, to make sure you are matched correctly with a dog.   Now I had heard the first time you Juno walk  can be a highly emotional experience.   Of course I was like no way…I’ll be fine, this is something I really want, and have looked forward to.   

So, we are standing in front of the house, and she asks for my Cane.     This may not make any sense to you, but to me that cane has become a part of me.  Almost an extension of me, without it, I freeze.   Unless I know where I am, or am hanging onto Benton.  It’s weird how I will just freeze where I am, Until I can grab onto something.  So, handing my cane over was suddenly extremely disconcerting-but OKAY.  So, I held the harness.   Learned the basic commands, and then we were off.   

I was walking not swinging a cane, or death gripping Benton’s arm.   Granted I was being led around by a woman holding the harness…but, to me it was totally normal.  I was walking and not scared at all that I would walk into anything, trip, or fall off the curb.   That hit me REALLY REALLY hard, and fast…

I was back to the hospital bed the day they told me that my vision may never return, the day I felt like a total, and completely useless burden.  I felt like my life was over, I couldn’t see a single thing about me that would be useful.  The day that I asked Trey and Benton to push me out the window.    Now, understand at the time I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t move anything.   I didn’t know what was going on.   I felt like I was alone in the hospital, and no one was visiting me.  (I was messed up in the head, I thought the only person that visited me was Alicia, I think I was more alert at night…and she stayed at the hospital at night) so I was thinking no one cared, and I had been in the hospital for over a year.  I really thought that I was about to be moved to the state hospital for the sad, and useless.    I really thought I was going somewhere to be a vegetable.  I didn’t want that.   

Trey, and Benton were there trying to tell me to calm down…that everything was going to be okay.    The nurse came in (the one from NMSU) and basically slapped me around.  Told me to calm down…Crazy Train Jennifer showed up and tried to talk sense into me.   I was adamant and wanted out.   That’s when Trey said give him some drugs.   I remember that, because I was yelling that they can’t just give me drugs.   I was a mess.   I didn’t want to be drugged.   The nurse came in and I said “no don’t drug me, I dont want that”…she said you just try and stop me.     I’m so thankful that she started the drugs.    Because after a stroke like I had my brain was in hyperdrive.   The hallucinations that I had been having started slowing down that night.  

I just remember Trey telling me that we will find a way to make everything work.   That’s all he would say “we will figure it all out…for now, focus on doing more, and more…and better, and better”. I will never forget how hard Trey pushed me.  I would be super excited about walking 10 feet, and so was he…but then he would say okay, next.   He was always pushing me to do more, to get better, to do anything and everything that they wanted me to do.  Trey pushed me, and pushed me.   

I had him, and my Grandad pushing the entire time.  Gram & Grandad Sheppard were the first call I got the day I moved into Rehab.   I couldn’t even hold the phone to my ear, someone had to hold it for me…and Grandad was telling me to get up and walk!!!  They both were after me to get out of the hospital.  

The day I was released I was on top of cloud 9.  I was so so so excited to be getting out of the hospital.   I was out the door and down the hallway without telling anyone goodbye (I didn’t want to interrupt anyones therapy work) I was ready to go.  My excitement didn’t last too long.   In the lobby waiting for the valet I was there looking like a mess, and I looked over and Trey was asleep.   Something was wrong.   I knew it.   He said he just hadn’t slept well because he was excited.   Hmmm, okay.   

I very very quickly realized something was very wrong.  We came home to balloons and Brenda making lunch.   I was walking in our house…with a walker, but still walking.   It was emotional to say the least. We ate lunch, I drank the broth…and it was so good just to be home, sitting at the Table.  I had a bath after lunch, benton and trey stood at the door listening, asking if everything was okay - I just kept yelling PRIVACY!.  

My welcome home celebration was so short lived, I don’t even know what to say.   

I put Trey to bed that night like I always had.   Well, except I told benton what to do.  Turn on the tv, to this show, turn out all the lights, except this lamp.  Put this oil in the diffuser, set it like this - no lights.   Okay.  Leave.    I asked trey if he needed a cookie, he said yes, so I hollered at benton.   Trey said when he came in the room with the frozen cookies, that he was so happy to have us home, and that we would figure out a way to make everything work.  

The next Monday trey was checked into the hospital.  

He was always confident that I’d make it work, and that I’d do everything I could to get better.  So, while walking around being led by a Juno harness, thinking about everything in the last 2+ years culminating into that moment…was quite overwhelming.  In a good way.   I cried basically the entire walk…and not a nice tear down the face, it was all out ugly cry - while being led around by a harness.    Could not have been a pretty picture.  

But, I did not care at all.   I was doing something I never imagined I’d ever do.